Expectation shadows us from birth—by our twenties we’re expected to graduate, by our thirties to marry, by our mid-thirties to embrace parenthood, by our forties to be financially stable. These “shoulds” are invisible scripts that many of us internalize—often without realizing who actually wrote them. But what happens when life doesn’t follow that scripted path?
The Problem with “Should”
When expectations go unchecked, they falsely frame deviation as failure. Consider the common question:
- “When are you having kids?”
- “You don’t want to wait too long.”
Yet behind these remarks lies ignorance of the full personal story—whether someone is trying to conceive, facing medical challenges, choosing not to have children, or simply charting a different path.
Disability, Illness, and Divergent Paths
For those living with disabilities or chronic illnesses, the weight of “shoulds” can feel particularly burdensome. Timelines rarely account for medical appointments, energy fluctuations, accessibility costs, or required caregiving. Judging someone based solely on socially defined milestones overlooks resilience, creativity, and tenacity—the true metrics of success for many.
The Economic Backdrop
Add rising cost-of-living pressures and unstable financial markets into the mix, and even able-bodied individuals struggle to hit conventional milestones like homeownership, savings goals, or job security. Yet expectation remains unchanged—still whispering “by now, you should…”—despite timelines no longer matching contemporary realities.
My Story: Loving Without the “Should”
I live with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, and for a long time, I never believed I’d fall in love, get married, or even have children. Unfortunately, I still don’t know the answers, and maybe that’s okay. I do know this: I dream of an “expected normal future,” but I’ve also learned that the future I receive will be the one meant for me. I choose to make the most of every moment—not to live up to expectations, but to live authentically.
Research Insights: Expectation, Support & Wellbeing
1. Social Support Fuels Life Satisfaction and Resilience
A recent longitudinal study of emerging adults (ages 18–29) found that social support significantly predicted higher life satisfaction, both directly and through enhanced psychological resilience—resilience being a key buffer against stress. (Frontiers)
2. Support Reduces Stress, Boosts Mental Health
Research grounded in stress-and-coping theory shows that support from family and significant others lowers perceived stress, which in turn increases positive affect and reduces anxiety and depression—though support from friends didn’t show the same mediating effect. (Frontiers)
3. Life Satisfaction Shields Against Stress
Another study highlights life satisfaction’s protective role—buffering negative mental health effects of perceived stress, even serving as a mediator in stress-linked outcomes. (MDPI)
4. Pressure to Be Happy Can Be Harmful
Overemphasizing happiness can paradoxically raise stress and diminish life satisfaction. When people feel society expects them to always be happy, failures and negative emotions become more painful and isolating. (TIME)
5. Gendered Expectations Impact Well-Being
Gender norms—like the expectation for women to be nurturing or men to be stoic providers—can shape identity, influence personal choices, and affect mental health. Breaking these norms leads to greater relational satisfaction and healthier self-expression. (Verywell Mind)
6. The Happiness Paradox: Why Women Report More Life Satisfaction but Also More Sadness
Despite experiencing more anxiety and depression, women often rate life satisfaction higher than men. This paradox could stem from role fulfillment, lower expectations, or differences in resourcing happiness. (The Wall Street Journal)
Moving Beyond Judgment
Expectations unchecked quickly become judgments. Unless invited into someone’s story, we don’t know what battles they’re facing or how their path diverges from the “script.” They might be exactly where they’re meant to be, and that deserves support—not scrutiny.
A New Way Forward
What if we measured life by meaning, not milestones? Instead of asking “Why aren’t you there yet?”, we could ask:
- “What does fulfillment look like for you?”
- “What challenges shape your journey?”
- “How can I support you now?”
Expectation doesn’t have to weigh us down. It can become a source of encouragement, honoring each person’s timeline—unique, unrepeatable, and valid.
Expectations may reflect how society imagines life—but your story is yours alone. You are not behind. You are exactly where you’re meant to be.
